this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
