I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
