every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
