my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
that is very illegal...i love you.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
