I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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