Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Sext me about skeletons
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize