I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
