I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
