just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
