the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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