Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
