What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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