whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
