Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
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