it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize