you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
