The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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