Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
The struggles of a small town man whore
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
