I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
