Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
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