Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
