i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
