it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
