So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Pooping to opera.
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