this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
