Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
