literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
