shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize