Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
