I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
