Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
