is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
