I will die if light touches me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
