My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize