Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
If I die, sorry about rent.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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