I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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