Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
