So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
