you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
