so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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