dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
