The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
