i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
