Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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