saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Banned from zoo.
Again?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
