dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
