he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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