Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
