WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Randomize
