I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
