Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
