I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
