Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
