You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
