my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
His hands were made for my vagina.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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