eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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