Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
