All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
