he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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