Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
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