At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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