i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
